Bereavement Support
Grief is difficult because it cannot be “fixed.” You can’t fast-forward through it, and it rarely disappears overnight. For many people, the intensity of grief changes with time — it may come less often, or feel different — but the love and the sense of loss can remain.
This New Zealand guide brings together practical coping tips, guidance on when to seek support, what grief can feel like, and a directory of trusted New Zealand bereavement organisations and helplines.
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For practical next steps after a death, see What to do after a death or return to NZ Help & Advice.
Urgent help in New Zealand
If you feel unable to stay safe, or you are having thoughts of ending your life, get urgent support immediately.
- In an emergency: call 111
- Free, confidential support 24/7: call or text 1737
- If you are at risk of suicide or supporting someone at risk: Suicide Crisis Helpline 0508 828 865 (0508 TAUTOKO)
- Additional immediate support: Lifeline 0800 543 354 or text HELP to 4357
10 practical ways to cope with grief
You can’t make grief disappear, but small, practical actions can make the pain more bearable and help you get through the next hour, day, and week.
- Express your feelings. Talk to someone you trust, write privately, or use a journal if talking feels hard.
- Look after your body. Try “minimum care” targets: water, small meals, and rest when possible.
- Join a support group. Listening can help even if you don’t want to share yet.
- Let others help with admin. Ask someone you trust to help with calls, emails, and paperwork if you feel overwhelmed.
- Try a gentle routine. Basic structure (sleep, meals, a short walk) can reduce overwhelm.
- Expect concentration to dip. Grief affects memory and focus. Keep decisions small when possible.
- Stay connected (low pressure). A short message or a cup of tea with someone can be enough.
- Avoid numbing with alcohol or drugs. Relief is usually temporary and can make grief harder long-term.
- Mark the relationship in a simple way. A photo, a candle, a letter, or a small ritual can help love feel present.
- Get support early if you’re struggling. Counselling and helplines can help before you reach breaking point.
When to get bereavement support
Grief is unpredictable and unique. Consider professional support if grief feels overwhelming or stops you from functioning day-to-day.
- Finding it extremely hard to get out of bed
- Avoiding the grieving process and pushing away painful feelings
- Neglecting yourself or your whānau
- Feeling constantly on edge, panicky, or unsafe
- Isolating yourself and having intense mood swings for an extended period
- Using constant busyness to avoid grieving
- Avoiding conversations about your loved one or reminders
- Using alcohol or drugs more frequently to cope
- Feeling you can’t move forward with life without your loved one
- Not being able to do everyday activities
These signs can be common early in bereavement. If they persist for weeks or months, bereavement counselling or therapy can help — and support can still be beneficial even years after a loss.
Grief vs depression
Grief and clinical depression can look similar: low mood, exhaustion, withdrawal, changes in sleep, and difficulty concentrating.
Grief often comes in waves and can be triggered by dates, places, music, or memories. Depression can feel more constant and unchanging. If you feel persistently hopeless, numb, or unsafe, speak to your GP (or primary care clinician) or seek urgent help.
Understanding the grieving process
There are many theories about grief. None are rules. They are frameworks that can help explain common patterns in how grief affects thoughts, emotions, and daily life.
Common approaches include the dual process model (switching between loss-focused grief and restoration-focused coping), Worden’s tasks of grieving, meaning-making (rebuilding meaning after loss), and the five stages of grief.
The five stages of grief (overview)
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance are often used as a simple way to talk about grief. These stages do not happen in a set order and may repeat. Acceptance does not mean forgetting — it means learning to live alongside the loss.
Coping with grief after a death related to alcohol or drugs (NZ)
Losing someone to alcohol or drug use is devastating. Alongside shock and sadness, you may be dealing with unanswered questions, stigma, complicated emotions, and sometimes an investigation by police or the coroner. This section offers practical ways to cope in the weeks and months ahead, and where to get support in New Zealand.
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Why grief after alcohol or drugs can feel different
Bereavement after alcohol or drug use can come with extra layers that make everything feel heavier:
- Suddenness or trauma, especially with overdose or unexpected death
- Unanswered questions about what happened and why
- Stigma, judgement, or silence from others
- Complicated relationships, especially where addiction was involved
- Practical stress, including investigations, paperwork, or delays
None of this makes your grief “different” in value — it simply means you may need different kinds of support.
Secondary loss and “disenfranchised” grief (stigma)
Secondary loss (grieving more than once)
When alcohol or drug use has been part of someone’s life, bereavement can feel like the final wave in a long series of losses. Many people describe grieving before the death as well — for the person they remember, the relationship they hoped for, and the stability that addiction can take away.
Disenfranchised grief (when others don’t “make space” for your loss)
Grief after an alcohol- or drug-related death is sometimes met with silence, judgement, or discomfort. This can leave you feeling like you have to grieve quietly — or that you’re not “allowed” to talk about what happened.
- “They brought it on themselves.”
- “It’s not the same as other deaths.”
- “It’s too uncomfortable to talk about.”
That reaction has a name: disenfranchised grief — grief that isn’t properly recognised or supported by others. Your grief is real, valid, and worthy of care.
What you might feel (and why it’s normal)
Grief isn’t just sadness. It can be a mix of emotions that change hour to hour. You might recognise:
- Numbness / shock — feeling unreal, blank, or unable to cry
- Anger — at systems, services, substances, dealers, or yourself
- Guilt — replaying conversations, “if only I’d…” thoughts
- Anxiety — fear for other loved ones, panic, feeling unsafe
- Relief — especially after long-term addiction, chaos, or suffering
- Shame — often caused by stigma, not by anything you’ve done
A note about relief
Relief is one of the most misunderstood grief reactions. Feeling relieved does not mean you didn’t love them. It can mean you’re relieved the crisis, suffering, or uncertainty has ended.
When the death is referred to the coroner (NZ)
If the cause or circumstances of death aren’t clear, the death may be referred to the coroner. This can delay registration and funeral arrangements while the cause of death is clarified.
- Ask what happens next and what timeframes are likely
- Ask what paperwork can be issued while the investigation continues
- Lean on support — delays can be emotionally exhausting
If you need practical support during a traumatic or sudden death, Victim Support (below) may be able to help.
If police are involved
If illegal substances may be involved, police can investigate circumstances and supply chain. If there is a prosecution, there may be a court process. This can feel re-traumatising — especially if details are repeated in statements or hearings.
- Let someone you trust help you keep track of updates
- Write down names, dates and reference numbers (a simple notes file is enough)
- It’s okay to step back from information when it becomes overwhelming
Coping strategies that actually help
These are small actions that can make grief more bearable — not by “fixing” it, but by helping you carry it.
- Give your feelings somewhere safe to go. Talk to someone you trust, write privately, or speak to a counsellor/helpline.
- Protect your body (sleep, food, hydration). Aim for “minimum care” targets. If sleep/appetite problems persist, speak to your clinician.
- Avoid numbing with alcohol or drugs. If you notice you’re using substances to cope, reach out early for non-judgemental support.
- Choose the right kind of support. Some people prefer specialist services where they don’t have to explain the context.
- Lower expectations (especially early on). Keep life simple. Delegate admin where you can.
- Build a “hard day” plan. One person to text, one grounding activity, one safe place, one helpline number.
- Create a gentle way to remember them. A photo album, candle ritual, memory box, or letter can help love continue in a safe way.
Where to get NZ support
If you’d prefer support that understands addiction-related stress, start with:
- Alcohol Drug Helpline: 0800 787 797 (text 8681), 24/7
- 1737: call or text 1737, 24/7
- Lifeline: 0800 543 354 (text HELP to 4357)
Full New Zealand support listings are below.
New Zealand organisations & helplines
General bereavement support
Skylight
Website: www.skylight.org.nz
Phone: 0800 299 100
Office hours apply; counselling appointment times may be available outside standard hours.
The Grief Centre (Auckland + national support options)
Website: www.griefcentre.org.nz
Phone: 09 418 1457
Freephone: 0800 331 333
Hospice New Zealand (via local hospices)
Website: www.hospice.org.nz
Children and young people
Skylight (children, teens, schools)
Website: www.skylight.org.nz
Phone: 0800 299 100
Local hospice bereavement programmes for children/teens
Website: www.hospice.org.nz
Search your local hospice for bereavement programmes and youth support.
After the loss of a partner
Widowed Persons Services (NZ)
Website: www.widowedpersons.org.nz
Baby loss / miscarriage / stillbirth / neonatal loss
Sands New Zealand
Website: www.sands.org.nz
Phone: 0508 726 372
Suicide risk and crisis support
Suicide Crisis Helpline (NZ)
Phone: 0508 828 865 (0508 TAUTOKO)
24/7. If you are in immediate danger, call 111.
1737 — Need to Talk?
Website: www.1737.org.nz
Phone: 1737
Call or text 1737, 24/7.
Lifeline Aotearoa
Website: www.lifeline.org.nz
Phone: 0800 543 354
Text: 4357
Text HELP to 4357.
Alcohol / drugs support
Alcohol Drug Helpline (NZ)
Website: alcoholdrughelp.org.nz
Phone: 0800 787 797
Text: 8681
Call 0800 787 797 or text 8681, 24/7.
Other helpful organisations
Victim Support (Manaaki Tāngata)
Website: www.victimsupport.org.nz
Phone: 0800 842 846
24/7. Can help with practical steps as well as emotional support.
Depression Helpline (NZ)
Phone: 0800 111 757
Text: 4202
24/7.
Samaritans (NZ)
Phone: 0800 726 666
A note about seeking support
Seeking help does not mean you are failing to cope. It means you are taking care of yourself during one of life’s hardest experiences. Grief doesn’t need fixing — but it does deserve compassion, time, and support.
You may also find these NZ pages useful: What to do after a death • Planning a funeral • Legal • Government services