Bereavement support in South Africa: the first days, crisis moments, guilt, insomnia & panic — and how to get real help (even if you’re exhausted)

• Water + something simple to eat (soup, bread, fruit, cereal).
• Rest in blocks (even 30–60 minutes counts).
• One “anchor person” (filters messages, keeps you company if possible).
• 3–5 tasks per day (max). Everything else can wait.
• Avoid big irreversible decisions if you can (move, quit, breakups).

Funeral planning, travel, costs, extended family coordination, work pressure, and (sometimes) safety concerns can stack fast. If you’re dealing with load shedding, transport risk, or unsafe nights, simplify the goal: stabilise the body + do one thing + rest.

If you don’t feel safe going out at night, plan your “help moves” for daylight: clinic/CHC visits, shopping, paperwork, and transport with a trusted person.

Community care can be powerful. But it’s okay to ask for what you need: “Please sit with me,” “Please help me with one phone call,” “Please drive me.” People often want to help — they just need a clear role.

1. 4–6 breathing: inhale 4, exhale 6 (10 cycles).
2. Hand on chest + belly: breathe so the belly hand moves more. Whisper: “This is a wave. It will pass.”
3. Slow rocking / swaying: 60–90 seconds. It signals safety to the body.
4. 5–4–3–2–1 grounding: 5 things you see, 4 you feel, 3 you hear, 2 you smell, 1 you taste.
5. Cold water: wash face/hands or hold ice briefly to lower intensity.
6. Gentle indoor walking: 3–5 minutes, slow pace, feel each footstep.
7. Minimum message: “Can you stay with me on a call for 10 minutes?”

1. My warning signs: (panic, “I want to disappear”, no sleep for days).
2. One person to contact: (name).
3. A safer place: living room / a friend’s place / emergency unit.
4. One 10-minute action: breathe + water + grounding + “wave” phrase.
5. If it crosses the line: 112 / 10177 / emergency care.

1. Don’t stay alone: get a person (call, neighbour, family). You don’t need perfect words.
2. Shrink the plan to 10 minutes: breathing + cold water + grounding. Say out loud: “This is a wave.”
3. If you feel at risk of harming yourself: urgent help now (112/10177) or emergency care. See urgent help.

• Chest tightness/heaviness (often in waves).
• Acid reflux, gastritis-like pain, nausea, bowel changes.
• Insomnia, waking often, vivid dreams.
• Fatigue, heavy body, low energy.
• Palpitations/tremor/sweating linked to anxiety.

• Severe chest pain that doesn’t ease, spreads, or comes with major breathlessness.
• Fainting, severe confusion, sudden weakness, neurological signs.
• High fever or severe persistent pain.
• Severe insomnia for multiple nights with escalating panic or self-harm thoughts.

If immediate danger: 112 / 10177 / emergency care.

• “This is grief guilt, not a verdict.”
• “I did what I could with what I knew and what I had.”
• “Love hurts when someone is missing. That pain is love.”

If guilt comes with self-harm thoughts, escalating alcohol/drug use, or constant hopelessness, seek professional or urgent support. Don’t wait for it to get worse.

You can say:

“I have very sad news. [Name] died. That means their body stopped working and they can’t come back. We will miss them. You can ask any questions. You are safe and we will take care of you.”

• Grief in pulses: play, cry, then play again.
• Repeating questions (it’s processing).
• Body complaints, regression, separation anxiety, sleep changes.

• Persistent nightmares, panic, intense behaviour changes.
• Self-harm, substance use, repeated statements of “I don’t want to live”.
• Major school decline for weeks with no improvement.

If you need support for a child: Childline 116. If immediate danger: 10111 / 112.

• Anger spikes, short fuse, conflict.
• Withdrawal, staying out, refusing to talk, “I’m fine”.
• Overworking to avoid feelings.
• More drinking or numb behaviours.
• Sleep collapse and silent panic.

• One safe person + short conversations (10 minutes is enough).
• Body tools (breathing, walking, cold water) before talking.
• Concrete support with tasks (not carrying everything alone).
• If risk escalates (unsafe thoughts, no sleep, substance use): seek help early.

• Ask: “Is my use increasing?” “Am I using it to sleep or stop thoughts?”
• Alcohol can worsen the next day’s grief and panic (rebound).
• Mixing alcohol with sleeping pills or other drugs increases risk fast.
• If you’ve mixed alcohol with pills/drugs and feel unwell: seek urgent medical help.

• Suicidal thoughts, self-harm, or not being able to stay safe.
• Severe insomnia for multiple nights + escalating panic.
• Intrusive images/flashbacks after a traumatic death (violence/accident/medical trauma).
• Increasing alcohol/drug use to cope.
• Frequent intense disconnection from reality.

Try:

“I’m bereaved. I can’t sleep, my panic/anxiety is very high, and I’m at the edge. I need support to stay safe and get through this.”

If trauma is involved: “I have intrusive images / flashbacks / panic spikes.”

• Others return to routine; your loneliness increases.
• Administrative fatigue: calls, costs, funeral tasks, family coordination.
• Insomnia and looping questions (“How did this happen?”).

Ask for concrete help: “Come with me for one errand,” “Sit with me for 30 minutes,” “Make one call for me.”

• Your role changes (child, partner, caregiver). That hurts twice.
• Relationships reorder: some come closer, some disappear.
• Triggers: music, places, dates, photos, news.

Many people feel pressure to “be over it” — but grief often changes shape, not size. Around 6–12 months, delayed grief, anger, numbness, or a strong anniversary wave is common. That doesn’t mean you’re failing.

Plan gently for anniversaries: reduce commitments, increase support, and use a night plan if sleep/panic has been risky.

Birthdays, memorial dates, public holidays, hospital dates, or significant family events can trigger waves. Gentle preparation (less commitments, more support, a simple plan) can soften the hit.

• Write it down first: total cost, deposits, deadlines, what’s included, what’s optional.
• Delay upgrades: if you feel pressured, say: “I need time. I’ll confirm tomorrow.”
• One coordinator: choose one trusted person to handle family messages and money logistics.
• Ask for one concrete help: “Please get quotes,” “Please collect contributions,” “Please handle transport.”

Grief can amplify old wounds. If discussions become harsh, pause and shrink the target: “We can’t solve everything today. Let’s decide only what must happen in the next 24 hours.”

• GBV Command Centre: call 0800 428 428 or use *120*7867# (“please call me” door).
• If immediate danger: 10111 or 112.
• If you can leave safely: go to a clinic/CHC or emergency unit with a trusted person.

• “You don’t have to be strong with me.”
• “I’m here. Do you want company or quiet?”
• “What would make today 5% easier?”
• “I can do one concrete thing: food / transport / a call / one errand.”

• “At least…” (minimises).
• “You must…” (controls when the person has no strength).
• Fast spiritual explanations if they didn’t ask for them.
• Comparisons (“I went through worse/the same”).

1. Take it seriously, calmly: “Thank you for telling me. You’re not alone.”
2. Ask directly: “Do you feel at risk right now?” (If yes: 112/10177/emergency care).
3. Reduce the next step: “I’m coming to you / stay with me / we call together.”

Set kind limits: “I can do one hour today” or “I can come Monday and Thursday.” Small consistent support often helps more than “all or nothing.” Ask others to rotate.

If you can’t stay safe, there’s an attempt in progress, severe panic, or you’re collapsing: 112 / 10177 / emergency care. Go with someone if possible.

If it’s not an immediate emergency but you’re overwhelmed, a clinic or CHC can be a bridge (evaluation, referral, initial support).

Family, neighbours, faith community, colleagues, burial society/stokvel support. Ask for one concrete thing: “Stay with me for one hour,” “Help me get transport,” “Make one call.”

There isn’t a fixed timeline. Many people experience waves: shock early on, another wave when support drops, and waves around dates. Getting better often means waves become less dominating — not that the person stops mattering.

Grief can look like depression (low energy, insomnia, sadness) and can alternate with moments of functioning. If hopelessness is constant, functioning collapses for a long time, or self-harm thoughts appear, seek assessment and support.

Yes. Panic attacks after a death in the family can happen because the nervous system is in alarm. Regulation tools (breathing, grounding, movement, cold water) can reduce intensity — and professional support is important if symptoms escalate.

• Offer one specific thing: “I’ll bring food tomorrow,” “I’ll take you to one errand.”
• Listen more than you explain. Avoid “at least…”.
• Respect limits: short visits, silence, no pressure.
• Check in again in 2–6 weeks — that’s when many people feel alone.