Bereavement support in Nigeria: the first days, crisis moments, guilt, insomnia & panic — and how to get real help (even if you’re exhausted)

• Water + something simple to eat (soup, bread, fruit, cereal).
• Rest in blocks (even 30–60 minutes counts).
• One “anchor person” (filters messages, keeps you company if possible).
• 3–5 tasks per day (max). Everything else can wait.
• Avoid big irreversible decisions if you can (move, quit, breakups).

For the practical checklist after a death, use it as “one thing at a time”: What to do after a death.

Funeral planning, transport, extended family coordination, costs, time pressure — it can feel brutal. Work in layers: body → one practical step → rest. Repeat.

If well-meaning religious explanations make you feel silenced or guilty (“Don’t question God,” “It is well,” “Be strong”), it’s okay to say: “I need comfort, not explanations right now.”

If your loved one died abroad, or you couldn’t travel home due to cost, visas, work, or timing — that layered grief is real. You can grieve the person and also grieve the missed goodbye, the missed burial, and the feeling of being “far away” when it mattered.

If this is you, it can help to create one concrete bridge: a voice note, a letter, a photo ritual, or a small memorial action where you are.

1. 4–6 breathing: inhale 4, exhale 6 (10 cycles).
2. Hand on chest + belly: one hand on chest, one on belly. Breathe so the belly hand moves more. Whisper: “This is a wave. It will pass.”
3. Slow rocking: sit and rock gently, or sway side-to-side (60–90 seconds). It signals safety to the body.
4. 5–4–3–2–1 grounding: 5 things you see, 4 you feel, 3 you hear, 2 you smell, 1 you taste.
5. Cold water: wash face/hands or hold ice 30–60s to lower intensity.
6. Gentle night walking: 5 minutes indoors (hallway/room), slow pace, feel each footstep. Movement reduces adrenaline.
7. Minimum message: “Can you stay with me on a call for 10 minutes?” to your anchor person.

1. My warning signs: (panic, “I want to disappear”, no sleep for days).
2. One person to contact: (name).
3. A safer place: living room / a friend’s place / emergency unit.
4. One 10-minute action: breathe + water + grounding + “wave” phrase.
5. If it crosses the line: 112 / emergency care (go with someone if possible).

1. Don’t stay alone: get a person (call, neighbour, family). You don’t need perfect words.
2. Shrink the plan to 10 minutes: breathing + cold water + grounding. Say out loud: “This is a wave.”
3. If you feel at risk of harming yourself: urgent help now (112 / emergency care). See urgent help.

• Ask: “Is my use increasing?” “Am I using it to sleep or stop thoughts?”
• Alcohol can make the next day’s grief and panic sharper (rebound).
• If you’re mixing alcohol with sleeping pills or other drugs, risk rises fast.

• Chest tightness/heaviness (often in waves).
• Acid reflux, gastritis-like pain, nausea, bowel changes.
• Insomnia, waking often, vivid dreams.
• Fatigue, heavy body, low energy.
• Palpitations/tremor/sweating linked to anxiety.

• Severe chest pain that doesn’t ease, spreads, or comes with major breathlessness.
• Fainting, severe confusion, sudden weakness, neurological signs.
• High fever or severe persistent pain.
• Severe insomnia for multiple nights with escalating panic or self-harm thoughts.

If immediate danger: 112 / emergency care.

• “This is grief guilt, not a verdict.”
• “I did what I could with what I knew and what I had.”
• “Love hurts when someone is missing. That pain is love.”

If guilt comes with self-harm thoughts, escalating alcohol/drug use, or constant hopelessness, seek professional or urgent support. Don’t wait for it to get worse.

• Anger spikes, short fuse, conflict.
• Withdrawal, staying out, refusing to talk, “I’m fine”.
• Overworking to avoid feelings.
• More drinking, gambling, or numb behaviours.
• Sleep collapse and silent panic.

• One safe person + short conversations (10 minutes is enough).
• Body regulation tools (breathing, walking, cold water) before talking.
• Concrete tasks shared with support (not carrying everything alone).
• If risk escalates (unsafe thoughts, no sleep, substance use): seek help early.

You can say:

“I have very sad news. [Name] died. That means their body stopped working and they can’t come back. We will miss them. You can ask any questions. You are safe and we will take care of you.”

If faith is part of your family, it can be added gently — but keep the physical meaning of death clear.

• Grief in pulses: play, cry, then play again.
• Repeating questions (it’s processing).
• Body complaints, regression, separation anxiety, sleep changes.

• Persistent nightmares, panic, intense behaviour changes.
• Self-harm, substance use, repeated statements of “I don’t want to live”.
• Major school decline for weeks with no improvement.

Seek support (health centre, counselling, school, emergency care if risk).

• Suicidal thoughts, self-harm, or not being able to stay safe.
• Severe insomnia for multiple nights + escalating panic.
• Intrusive images/flashbacks after a traumatic death.
• Increasing alcohol/drug use to cope.
• Frequent intense disconnection from reality.

Try:

“I’m bereaved. I can’t sleep, my panic/anxiety is very high, and I’m at the edge. I need support to stay safe and get through this.”

If trauma is involved: “I have intrusive images / flashbacks / panic spikes.”

If you’re searching: “complicated grief treatment Nigeria” and “mental health after death in family Nigeria” can help you find relevant services.

• Others return to routine; your loneliness increases.
• Administrative fatigue: calls, costs, funeral tasks, family coordination.
• Insomnia and looping questions (“How did this happen?”).
• Extra strain if family members are far away (diaspora / travel barriers).

Ask for concrete help: “Come with me for one errand,” “Sit with me for 30 minutes,” “Make one call for me.”

• Your role changes (child, partner, caregiver). That hurts twice.
• Relationships reorder: some come closer, some disappear.
• Financial stress can amplify anxiety and physical symptoms.
• Triggers: music, places, dates, photos, news.

If intensity stays very high or escalates, revisit when to seek help.

Many people feel pressure to “be over it” — but grief often changes shape, not size. Around 6–12 months, you might feel delayed grief, anger, emptiness, or a strong anniversary wave (“1 year after death still grieving”). That doesn’t mean you’re failing; it often means the reality is landing more fully.

Plan gently for anniversaries: reduce commitments, increase support, and use a night plan if sleep/panic has been a risk for you.

Birthdays, 40 days, 3/6/12 months, holidays, hospital dates, and other meaningful days can trigger waves. Gentle preparation (less commitments, more support, a night plan) can soften the hit.

• “You don’t have to be strong with me.”
• “I’m here. Do you want company or quiet?”
• “What would make today 5% easier?”
• “I can do one concrete thing: food / transport / a call / one errand.”

• “At least…” (minimises).
• “You must…” (controls when the person has no strength).
• Fast spiritual explanations if they didn’t ask for them.
• Comparisons (“I went through worse/the same”).

When T.’s sister said “I don’t want to exist,” her friend didn’t argue, lecture, or rush to fix it. She stayed, asked directly about safety, and went with her to emergency care. That presence mattered more than perfect words.

1. Take it seriously, calmly: “Thank you for telling me. You’re not alone.”
2. Ask directly: “Do you feel at risk right now?” (If yes: 112 / emergency care).
3. Reduce the next step: “I’m coming to you / stay with me / we call together.”

If there’s immediate risk, go to urgent help.

Set kind limits: “I can do one hour today” or “I can come Monday and Thursday.” Small consistent support often helps more than “all or nothing.” If you’re the anchor person, ask others to rotate.

If you can’t stay safe, there’s an attempt in progress, severe panic, or you’re collapsing: 112 / emergency care. Go with someone if possible.

If it’s not an immediate emergency but you’re overwhelmed, a primary health centre or general hospital can be a bridge (evaluation, referral, initial support).

Family, neighbours, faith community, friends, colleagues. Ask for one concrete thing: “Stay with me for one hour,” “Help me get transport,” “Please make one call for me.”

There isn’t a fixed timeline. Many people experience waves: shock early on, another wave when support drops, and waves around dates. Getting better often means waves become less dominating — not that the person stops mattering.

Grief can look like depression (low energy, insomnia, sadness) and can alternate with moments of functioning. If hopelessness is constant, functioning collapses for a long time, or self-harm thoughts appear, seek assessment and support.

Yes. Panic attacks after a death in the family can happen because the nervous system is in alarm. Regulation tools (breathing, grounding, movement, cold water) can reduce intensity — and professional support is important if symptoms escalate or you can’t sleep for several nights.

• Offer one specific thing: “I’ll bring food tomorrow,” “I’ll take you to one errand.”
• Listen more than you explain. Avoid “at least…”.
• Respect limits: short visits, silence, no pressure.
• Check in again in 2–6 weeks — that’s when many people feel alone.