Skip to main content
←Velanora Memorial Registry

UK Help & Advice

Bereavement support (UK): grief, British culture, work, and where to get help

Grief is not something you “get over”. It’s what happens when love has nowhere to go. In the UK, grief can feel especially isolating because people often default to politeness, understatement, or “keeping it together”. You may be surrounded by people — and still feel alone.

This page is a UK-specific, deeply practical guide: what grief can feel like, what helps in the first days and months, how to navigate British workplaces, how to access NHS and charity support (including long waiting lists), regional crisis routes across England/Scotland/Wales/Northern Ireland, and what to do when grief becomes complicated.

Two-track guide (use this to avoid overwhelm)

If you feel unsafe right now

Go to urgent help (999 / NHS urgent routes / Samaritans / Shout). Your only job is safety and support — not coping alone.

If you’re safe but struggling

Start with the first 72 hours and practical supports, then go to navigating UK support. If a child/teen is involved, jump to children & teens.

On this page

For practical steps after a death (registering, funerals, benefits, probate), see What to do after a death and Government services. Or return to UK Help & Advice.

Important

If you feel unsafe, suicidal, or at immediate risk — don’t try to “wait it out”. Use urgent support now (999 / NHS crisis routes / Samaritans / Shout).

Urgent help in the UK (if you feel unsafe)

If you feel you cannot stay safe, you’re thinking about harming yourself, or you’re in immediate danger — get urgent help right now.

  • Emergency: 999
  • England urgent mental health: NHS 111 (Option 2)
  • Samaritans: 116 123
  • Text support: SHOUT to 85258

If you’re worried about someone else, it’s okay to call for guidance. You don’t need to be “certain” it’s an emergency to reach out.

The first 72 hours: how to survive the shock

Early grief can feel like shock: numbness, disbelief, shaking, nausea, tight chest, insomnia, “brain fog”, or feeling unreal. This is your nervous system responding to loss — not a sign you’re “doing grief wrong”.

The 72-hour rule: tiny tasks only

  • Water, something small to eat, warmth, rest (sleep “as it comes”).
  • One person to lean on (ask them to handle calls or messages if possible).
  • A list of 3–5 tasks for today (no more).
  • Postpone big decisions (moving, quitting, major financial changes) where you can.

If you’re panicking or going numb

  • Breathing 4–6: inhale 4, exhale 6, repeat 10 cycles.
  • Grounding 5–4–3–2–1: 5 things you see, 4 you feel, 3 you hear, 2 you smell, 1 you taste.
  • Cold water: splash face / hold ice / rinse hands to reduce intensity.
  • If you feel unsafe: go back to urgent help.

A simple UK script (for calls you can’t face)

You can read this verbatim:

“I’ve been bereaved and I’m not coping. I’m struggling with sleep and day-to-day functioning. I feel overwhelmed. Right now I feel [safe / not safe]. I need help working out what support is available.”

Grief in British culture: “keeping it together” can be lonely

In the UK, many people are taught (directly or indirectly) to minimise pain: “I’m fine”, “mustn’t grumble”, “keep calm and carry on”. That can make grief feel like something you must privately endure, rather than something you’re allowed to be supported through.

If “How are you?” makes you freeze

You don’t owe anyone a performance. A British-friendly truth can be:

  • “Honestly, I’m having a really tough time.”
  • “I’m not great, but I’m getting through the day.”
  • “Thanks for asking — I don’t have the words yet.”
  • “I can’t talk about it today, but I appreciate you checking in.”

If people avoid the topic (or change the subject)

Many people are scared of “saying the wrong thing”, so they say nothing. If you want more support, you can be direct:

  • “It helps when you mention them — it doesn’t make it worse.”
  • “Could you just sit with me for a bit? No advice.”
  • “A message once a week would help. I don’t need solutions.”

Understatement is allowed

If the word “grief” feels too heavy, you can still be honest in your own language: “I’m struggling”, “I’m in bits”, “I’m not coping”. Your pain doesn’t need perfect vocabulary to be real.

How grief works: what’s normal vs concerning

Grief is not linear. It often arrives in waves: you may function for a while, then feel flattened by a memory, a song, a date, a smell, or a quiet moment. Waves don’t mean you’re “going backwards” — they’re part of how grief integrates over time.

Common grief reactions (mind + body)

  • Shock / numbness: your brain reduces sensation to survive overload.
  • Anger: at the unfairness, at services, at people, at the world.
  • Guilt / “if only…”: the mind tries to regain control by replaying scenarios.
  • Anxiety: hypervigilance, fear of another loss, panic, dread.
  • Brain fog: forgetfulness, slower thinking, poor concentration.
  • Physical effects: fatigue, chest tightness, appetite change, insomnia.

Things people fear (but can still be normal)

  • Relief (especially after long illness or suffering).
  • Mixed feelings if the relationship was complicated.
  • Moments of laughter or “feeling okay” briefly — not betrayal.

When it’s more concerning

  • Persistent suicidal thoughts or self-harm urges.
  • Severe insomnia for many nights, escalating panic, or inability to function.
  • Trauma symptoms (flashbacks, intrusive images) after traumatic death.
  • Heavy reliance on alcohol/drugs to get through.
  • Feeling detached from reality frequently (“I’m not here”).

If any of these are present, you deserve support now. See urgent help or the “Complicated grief” section below.

30 practical supports that actually help (UK-friendly)

These won’t remove grief, but they can make it survivable — and help you rebuild steadiness. Choose two or three. “Small and repeatable” beats “perfect and impossible”.

  1. Hydrate first. Put a bottle by your bed/sofa. If eating is hard: soup, toast, bananas, yoghurt.
  2. Use a “one-page day plan”. Three tasks only: (1) body, (2) one admin task, (3) one gentle thing.
  3. Ask someone to be your “admin buddy”. They sit with you while you do forms/calls — or do the talking while you listen.
  4. Let the UK system carry some load. If government admin is overwhelming, use Tell Us Once / UK government services guidance (where available).
  5. If work is impossible, get medical support. Speak to your GP or NHS 111 for advice; you may need a fit note.
  6. Try a “10-minute walk contract”. Ten minutes outside, no goals. Repeat daily if you can.
  7. Reduce social pressure. Ask someone to post one WhatsApp update so you’re not replying to everyone.
  8. Create a “no-advice zone”. Tell a trusted person: “I need you to listen, not fix.”
  9. Limit alcohol. It often worsens anxiety, sleep, and emotional rebounds (especially after funerals).
  10. Use grounding when waves hit. 5–4–3–2–1, slow breathing, cold water — quick tools for the nervous system.
  11. Choose one memory ritual. Tea by a photo, lighting a candle, writing a note — daily or weekly.
  12. Keep a “bereavement folder”. One place for documents, numbers, receipts, and notes.
  13. Write down key dates now. Funeral, registration, inquest dates, anniversaries — and plan “aftercare” time for each.
  14. Plan the “after” of hard days. After funerals, house-clearing, appointments — schedule a quiet hour.
  15. Use British-language honesty. “I’m not great”, “I’m struggling”, “I’m having a tough time”. Short truths reduce isolation.
  16. Protect yourself from graphic content. Avoid replaying details/photos if the death was traumatic.
  17. If nights are the worst, make a night plan. Who can you text? What calms you? When do you use Shout/Samaritans?
  18. Use “micro-contact”. One message to one person: “Could you check in tomorrow?”
  19. Give yourself permission to be inconsistent. Some days you’ll function; some days you won’t.
  20. Delay major decisions if you can. Postpone moving/quitting/major financial decisions for weeks/months if possible.
  21. Ask your GP about local bereavement support. Many areas have hospice/charity groups you can access faster than you think.
  22. If you’re waiting for therapy, ask about “bridge support”. Groups, charity counselling, EAP support, or short-term options.
  23. Try “one practical task, then rest”. Set a timer for 20 minutes. Do one admin task. Stop.
  24. If you feel guilty for laughing, reframe it. Laughter is your nervous system recovering, not disrespect.
  25. Use a “support menu”. Tell friends: “Food, lifts, childcare, sitting with me, sorting paperwork — choose one.”
  26. If you’re flooded, survive 10 minutes. “I only have to survive the next 10 minutes.” Repeat.
  27. If grief becomes scary, don’t white-knuckle it. Use crisis support. That’s what it exists for.
  28. If loneliness is the main pain, seek peer support. “Someone who gets it” matters.
  29. Let one routine anchor your week. Same walk, same café, same phone call — stability helps the brain.
  30. Ask for what you need directly. “Could you come with me to an appointment?” is a valid request.

Anniversaries & trigger dates (how to survive them)

Many people find the build-up to dates harder than the date itself: the “first Christmas”, birthdays, anniversaries, Mother’s/Father’s Day, and milestones like probate decisions or moving belongings. A wave around these times is normal — it’s not a setback.

The 3-part plan (simple, realistic)

  1. Reduce pressure: cut commitments, shorten visits, give yourself permission to leave early.
  2. Choose one ritual: candle, a walk, a meal they loved, a charity donation, a letter, visiting a place.
  3. Schedule support: set a check-in (friend/relative/helpline) for the day after.

If the family disagrees on what to do

It’s common for grief styles to clash. One person wants togetherness, another wants silence. If possible, agree on a minimum shared moment (even 10 minutes), then allow people to grieve separately too.

UK-friendly permission slip

You do not have to “do Christmas properly” (or any occasion properly) this year. You only have to get through it.

Children & teens: how to talk about death (UK context)

Children need honest, simple language. Avoid “gone to sleep” (it can create fear of sleep). Use: “They died. Their body stopped working. They can’t come back.”

A simple script for children (adapt words to age)

You can say:

“I have some very sad news. [Name] died. That means their body stopped working and they can’t come back. We will miss them. You can ask me anything. You’re safe, and we will look after you.”

What to expect from children (often normal)

  • Grief in bursts: play, then cry, then play again.
  • Repeated questions (it’s how they process).
  • Body complaints (tummy aches, headaches), clinginess, sleep changes.

When to seek extra help for a child/teen

  • Persistent nightmares, panic, severe behavioural change.
  • Self-harm, risky behaviour, substance use, repeated “I don’t want to be here”.
  • School collapse lasting weeks with no improvement.

UK specialist support: Child Bereavement UK and Winston’s Wish (see organisations below). If there is immediate danger, call 999.

School and the UK system

If a child is struggling, tell school early. Many schools can put in pastoral support, adjust expectations, and help keep routines stable (which can be protective).

Complicated grief, trauma, and when to seek help

Sometimes grief becomes “stuck” or trauma takes over. This is not weakness. It’s the nervous system overwhelmed. Support can change outcomes.

Signs you should seek professional support

  • Suicidal thoughts, self-harm urges, or feeling unsafe.
  • Severe insomnia for many nights, escalating panic, or inability to function.
  • Flashbacks/intrusive images after traumatic death.
  • Persistent guilt that loops and blocks life.
  • Heavy reliance on alcohol/drugs to cope.
  • Persistent numbness/detachment that doesn’t ease at all over time.

When grief is also trauma (common examples)

If the death was sudden, violent, involved CPR, you found the person, there’s an inquest, or there were distressing images — trauma can sit on top of grief. Mention this explicitly when seeking help (“I’m getting intrusive images / panic spikes / flashbacks”).

If you’re thinking about suicide

Please reach out now. You don’t have to carry this alone.

  • Emergency: 999
  • England urgent mental health: NHS 111 (Option 2)
  • Samaritans: 116 123
  • Text: SHOUT to 85258

Work, money, and daily life in the UK

UK grief often collides with responsibilities quickly: work expectations, bills, childcare, admin, and the pressure to appear “okay”. It’s common to feel guilty for functioning — and guilty for not functioning. Both are normal.

Bereavement leave and time off (UK workplace reality)

  • Many employers offer bereavement leave — check your policy/contract (HR can tell you quickly).
  • If you cannot work, talk to your GP about a fit note (sick leave can be appropriate when functioning collapses).
  • Ask for adjustments: reduced workload, flexible hours, work-from-home, phased return.
  • If your workplace has an EAP (Employee Assistance Programme), it may offer fast counselling sessions.
  • Many people crash after the funeral; plan support for week 2–6 as well (not just “the week of”).

Copy/paste email to manager/HR (short, UK tone)

Subject:

Bereavement — request for leave/adjustments

Message:

Hi [Name], I’ve been bereaved and I’m not functioning normally. Could we agree [bereavement leave / a few days off] and discuss temporary adjustments (reduced workload, flexible hours, or a phased return)? I’ll keep you updated, and I can provide a fit note if needed. Thank you.

Money and admin overwhelm (a kind approach)

If you’re drowning in admin, choose one “money task” per day (or per week). Use the folder method: one place for letters, banks, insurance, and reference numbers. If needed, ask someone you trust to sit with you while you open post.

For government processes and notifications, see UK Government Services guidance.

Navigating UK support: NHS vs private vs charities (and waiting lists)

The UK support system can feel confusing, especially when you’re exhausted. Here’s a practical way to think about it — with “what to say” built in.

Your fastest doors (when you need help now)

  • Immediate danger: 999
  • England urgent mental health: NHS 111 (Option 2)
  • Any time listening support: Samaritans 116 123
  • If talking is hard: Text SHOUT to 85258

NHS routes (typical pathways)

  • GP: assess, signpost, provide fit notes, and refer to local services.
  • NHS Talking Therapies (England): often self-referral online; waiting times vary by area.
  • Crisis teams: accessed via urgent routes (e.g., NHS 111 Option 2 in England).

If you’re told there’s a wait, ask: “Is there a bereavement service, hospice group, charity counselling, or any interim support while I wait?”

What to say to a GP (copy/paste)

Try:

“I’ve been bereaved and I’m struggling to function day to day. My sleep is [very poor], my anxiety is [high], and I feel [overwhelmed / unsafe at times]. I’d like to discuss support options (including bereavement support / talking therapies / a fit note if needed).”

If the death was traumatic, add: “I’m getting intrusive images / panic spikes / flashbacks.”

Charity and hospice bereavement support (often underused)

Many hospices and charities run bereavement groups or short-term counselling. These can be grief-specialised and sometimes faster than NHS therapy.

Start with Cruse, Sue Ryder, and local hospice services (your GP or local council can signpost).

Private therapy (faster, but costs vary)

Private therapy can be faster if you can afford it. Costs vary widely (often ~£40–£100+ per session). If the death was sudden/traumatic, look for grief/trauma experience.

Regional differences across the UK (crisis routes)

The UK is not one system

England, Scotland, Wales, and Northern Ireland have different urgent mental health pathways. If you’re unsure what applies to you, start with Samaritans (116 123) or 999 in emergencies.

Quick guide

  • England: NHS 111 (Option 2) for urgent mental health
  • Scotland: NHS 24 via 111 (they can direct you)
  • Wales: NHS 111 Wales (Option 2) + C.A.L.L. 0800 132 737
  • Northern Ireland: Lifeline 0808 808 8000

Helplines & organisations (UK)

Emergency

Emergency services (UK)

If there is immediate danger to life or safety — call emergency services.

Website: nhs.uk / gov.uk

Helpline: 999

Use 999 for emergencies (immediate risk, severe injury, active danger). If you’re in a mental health crisis and not in immediate physical danger, you can also use NHS urgent mental health routes listed below.

NHS 111 (urgent medical advice, not life-threatening)

If you need urgent medical advice (including severe anxiety/panic affecting your health) but it’s not life-threatening.

Website: 111.nhs.uk

Helpline: 111

In England, you can access urgent mental health help via NHS 111 (Option 2). Other UK nations have different routes (see “Regional differences”).

Urgent mental health and crisis support

NHS 111 (England) — urgent mental health (Option 2)

24/7 urgent mental health support. You’ll be connected to your local NHS crisis service for assessment and help.

Website: nhs.uk

Helpline: 111 (choose Option 2 / mental health)

If you’re unsure what to say: “I’m bereaved and I’m not coping. I feel unsafe / overwhelmed / unable to function.” If you are in immediate danger, call 999.

Samaritans

24/7 confidential listening support for anyone in distress — including grief, panic, loneliness, or suicidal thoughts.

Website: samaritans.org

Helpline: 116 123

Email: jo@samaritans.org

Free to call. You do not have to be suicidal to contact Samaritans.

Shout (Crisis Text Line UK)

24/7 crisis text support if speaking on the phone feels too hard.

Website: giveusashout.org

Helpline: Text SHOUT to 85258Text 85258

Useful for overwhelm, panic, night-time distress, or when privacy is limited.

CALM (Campaign Against Living Miserably)

Support for people affected by suicidal thoughts or suicide (hours vary).

Website: thecalmzone.net

Helpline: 0800 58 58 58

If you can’t get through, try Samaritans (116 123) or NHS routes.

Papyrus HOPELINEUK (under 35s) / advice for anyone concerned

Support and advice for young people (under 35) with suicidal feelings, and for anyone worried about a young person.

Website: papyrus-uk.org

Helpline: 0800 068 4141

If there is immediate danger, call 999. If urgent and not immediate danger, use NHS crisis routes or Samaritans.

Regional crisis routes (England / Scotland / Wales / Northern Ireland)

Scotland — NHS 24

For urgent health advice in Scotland (including distress impacting health). For mental health crisis pathways, NHS 24 can direct you locally.

Website: nhsinform.scot

Helpline: 111

Scotland uses NHS 24 on 111 for urgent support. If immediate danger, call 999.

Wales — NHS 111 Wales (Option 2) urgent mental health

24/7 urgent mental health advice and support in Wales via NHS 111 Wales (Option 2).

Website: 111.wales.nhs.uk

Helpline: 111 (Option 2)

Wales — C.A.L.L. Mental Health Helpline

24/7 emotional support and information for people in Wales.

Website: callhelpline.org.uk

Helpline: 0800 132 737

If you’re outside Wales, use Samaritans (116 123), NHS routes in your nation, or the services below.

Northern Ireland — Lifeline (crisis response helpline)

24/7 crisis response helpline for people in distress or despair in Northern Ireland.

Website: lifelinehelpline.info

Helpline: 0808 808 8000

If immediate danger, call 999. If you’re unsure, Lifeline will help you work out next steps.

Bereavement-specific support

Cruse Bereavement Support

Bereavement support (helpline, information, counselling, groups). One of the main UK bereavement charities.

Website: cruse.org.uk

Helpline: 0808 808 1677

Support availability can vary by nation/area. If you can’t access Cruse locally, try Sue Ryder online support or ask your GP about local services.

Sue Ryder — Online bereavement support

Online bereavement support and counselling options, plus practical guidance.

Website: sueryder.org

Useful if waiting lists are long or face-to-face services are limited in your area.

The Compassionate Friends (bereaved parents and families after child loss)

Support for parents and families after the death of a child (any age, any cause).

Website: tcf.org.uk

Helpline: 0345 123 2304

WAY Widowed and Young

Support for people widowed under 51 (peer networks, local meet-ups, community).

Website: waywidowedandyoung.org.uk

Widowed at any age (local groups)

If you’re widowed at any age, ask your GP, local hospice, or council bereavement services about groups near you.

Many local bereavement groups are run via hospices, faith communities, and community centres.

Children and young people

Child Bereavement UK

Support for children and young people, parents and caregivers, and professionals after bereavement.

Website: childbereavementuk.org

Helpline: 0800 02 888 40

Winston’s Wish

Specialist grief support for children and teenagers, plus guidance for parents and schools.

Website: winstonswish.org

Helpline: 08088 020 021

Hope Again (Cruse) — young people

Support and information for young people after bereavement.

Website: hopeagain.org.uk

Childline (under 19s)

Confidential support for children and young people (not bereavement-specific but can help in crisis).

Website: childline.org.uk

Helpline: 0800 1111

Specific losses and additional support

Sands (stillbirth and neonatal death)

Support for anyone affected by baby loss (stillbirth and neonatal death).

Website: sands.org.uk

Tommy’s (pregnancy loss and baby loss information/support)

Information and support around pregnancy loss, stillbirth, premature birth, and neonatal death.

Website: tommys.org

Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide (SOBS)

Peer support for people bereaved by suicide.

Website: uksobs.org

If you feel unsafe or suicidal yourself, contact urgent crisis support (999/111/116 123/85258).

Mind (mental health support and local services)

Information and signposting, plus local Mind services in many areas.

Website: mind.org.uk

If you need immediate help, use crisis routes above. Mind can help you navigate longer-term support and rights.

Directories and official guidance

NHS — Bereavement guidance

NHS information about bereavement, grief, and where to get support.

Website: nhs.uk/conditions/bereavement

Find A Helpline — United Kingdom

Directory of verified helplines by need and location (including grief & loss).

Website: findahelpline.com/countries/gb

How to choose the “right” help

If you need help right now, start with crisis routes (999 / NHS urgent pathways / Samaritans / Shout). If you want grief-specialist support, start with Cruse or Sue Ryder. If a child is involved, Child Bereavement UK or Winston’s Wish can help. If you’re waiting for NHS therapy, ask about local hospice groups or charity support as a bridge.

Related UK pages: What to do after a death • Planning a funeral • Legal guidance • Government services

FAQ (UK bereavement questions people actually ask)

How long does grief last?

There’s no fixed timeline. Many people notice change in phases: shock early on, then a harder “second wave” after the funeral when support drops, and later waves around anniversaries. “Better” often means the waves become less frequent or less dominating — not that grief disappears.

Is it normal to feel numb weeks later?

Yes. Numbness can be your brain protecting you from overload. It can come and go. If numbness is constant and you feel detached from reality, or you can’t function for a long period, it’s worth seeking support through the NHS/charities.

Why do I feel worse after the funeral?

The funeral can be a structure: people are around, tasks are clear, adrenaline carries you. Afterward, the reality can land and support can drop. This is extremely common — plan gentle days and check-ins for week 2–6.

What if the relationship was complicated?

Mixed feelings are normal: sadness and anger, relief and guilt, love and resentment. Grief does not require a “perfect relationship” to be real. If guilt is looping and blocking life, that’s a strong reason to seek specialist support.

I can’t sleep at all — what do I do?

Poor sleep is common in early grief, but severe insomnia can intensify anxiety and panic. Use a simple night plan: reduce alcohol, keep water/snack nearby, use grounding, and reach out (Shout/Samaritans) if you’re spiralling. If insomnia persists for many nights, contact your GP/NHS routes for support.

I feel guilty when I laugh or have a ‘good’ moment. Is that wrong?

No. A good moment isn’t betrayal — it’s your nervous system recovering. Grief can contain laughter. Love and pain can exist at the same time.

If one answer fits you right now

If you feel unsafe or you’re thinking about harming yourself, jump to urgent help now. You deserve support immediately.
Back to help (United Kingdom)

Next steps